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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

...in order to remain sane and healthy.


I'll let you in on you a secret.
'Cause I don't really believe in secrets anyway.
China's beautiful countryside
Since my China trip I've been thinking a lot, and honestly all that thinking has been getting me pretty down. In the dumps. There are things that I've come to realize more deeply, and with more intensity, then I did before the trip.

I'm not even sure that even now that I'm willing to commit it to print, except to say that I am changed.

I think of myself as glass-half-full girl. I can usually see the silver lining for most events, and I live in the assurance that no matter how bad things are, my attitude shapes my continence more than any external crappola. But I was really having trouble snapping out of this grief. My mind seemed to be consumed with grief day and night, and no matter what I did, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. In the middle of not sleeping and all day long there were long stretches of prayer and tears. Isolation. Grief and wallowing. Spiraling down. Good cries with my best girlfriends. I had the classic signs of depression. Then suddenly it dawned on me that I needed to do something about it. That doing something, doing anything good could be a way out of my sadness about things that I just cannot change. I wrote, I can't not act anymore. I need to DO something in order to remain sane and healthy. 

So I talked to Papa about it. And we talked to the kids. I prayed and talked some more, and ultimately we all agreed that doing something good, was well... good for all of us. And we all wanted to do it. And in addition to being the proudest mama right then and there, the weight in my heart was lifted.

So all this to say, it's Wednesday, and we're expecting a visitor any time now. A new little visitor that needs a little good in his life, maybe for a short while and maybe longer. We don't know where it is going to take us but we're committed to the long haul if that's where God takes us. And even though unknowns are scary, (and land's sake are they!) we can do that.

And my spirits have been lifted because doing good, actually makes all of us better.

To be continued...

10 comments:

  1. Praying. God is bringing beauty from ashes again.

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    1. Thank you. I wish there didn't have to be ashes for children to have the beauty. But there is. Trying to wrestle that in my mind is a hard one.

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  2. Praying for you Nancy. It sounds like you are suffering a little bit of post traumatic stress from you trip to China. We often associate this with something as big as going off to war, but isn't going off to China just a different war. I mean it all seems so endless. So many children. So many without families. So many that will never have a family. So many lives impacted and unanswered questions. And while we would love to adopt them all we can't. Thinking about it overwhelms me at times. I mean I am home what a month and think what if we were to turn around and just bring one more home and yet deep down I know I am at my max. Who know this could change, but heck I can't keep up with my laundry. I am lucky to get a shower every other day and have never been so exhausted in my life. This sweet little one that we just brought home is a terrorist. A cute one, but none the less I can barely move an inch without her holding on to me for dear life most of the time. My poor other kids have temporarily lost their mother because he need is so great. I know it will get better, but man. The goodnews is that he makes all right. Maybe not in this life but the next.

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    1. Oh my. Kelleyn, I SO been right there! It WILL get better. I promise. I know it's so hard in the beginning. It took me 2 whole years to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And although that's a long time when you're in the trenches, if I would have known that it WAS coming eventually, even if it really took a long time to get there, that would have helped me back then. All this to say, it is NOT like this forever. It does get better. Hang in there. Use your resources. Make the minutia of life easy where you can, and don't feel a bit guilty about it. Take out. Paper plates. Frozen lasagnas. Skip the kiddos every other bath. Leave the sheets on a week longer. Eat some ice cream. TIME surely passes and it will get easier as it does.
      ---Thank you for your encouraging words to me. We AP's gotta stick together!

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  3. I am headed to china for ten days. I believe for similar reasons that you went. . . Only my camera skills are no were near yours. I am afraid of exactly what you are describing. How in the world will I process such sadness. I'll be praying for you

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    1. Have fun on your trip! It can be "heavy" at times but it is so so worth it!

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  4. Replies
    1. I totally agree, behindiris, but we're just not sure where God is leading us yet. As of right now, I THINK I know what path we are traveling down, but not sure. Update probably coming soon. If you follow me on Instagram you've seem some little visitors that have been staying with us over the summer/last few months, but none of them have been long term.

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