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Monday, August 31, 2015

+1 (update 2 weeks in)



"You know, I'm not excited. It's simply where we're suppose to be and what we're suppose to do. If anything, when I think about it, I'm scared to do this thing that I know will be difficult at best at many turns."
I wrote that last month. Boy what I didn't know! Yes, this thing is difficult but in ways I've never expected. We've done kiddos from institutionalized care. 3 of them. A couple 1-year-olds and a 2 year old. It's fair to say that we're pretty familiar with attachment issues and children from neglect and hard places with a whole bunch of other issues. I mean how much different would a 3 year old be? Yet fear I mentioned above is one thing I have not felt. Why in the world didn't I expect the unexpected?
***Bang head on wall here!***
And this time around is full of the unexpected! Nothing like what we'd had in mind. Shame shame shame of me for having any expectations at all! I often confuse preparation for expectation, and I shouldn't. I'm sorry to you, reader, as I know that all this must seem like a puzzle with many pieces missing. Because of course there's no details to share. There is a list of things that cannot be talked about a mile long. But let's just say that this parenting and training up of a child that is not our own is very different. This thing is hard in very different ways. I've disappointed myself and I'm mad at my heart. One day after another I beg God to please let me surrender to the process, the process of faithfully following the plan. I know full well that there is peace in the surrender and yet for some reason I've been unable to do it. And tomorrow I will try again to just do as I'm told with a heart of grace and acceptance. Yes, the system is broken as we expected, but I'm broken as well, full of imperfection that I didn't even know I had.

We need time. I need time. At the advice of a wise BTDT foster mama, I'm reminding myself that this is all still very new to us, and just like having a baby, we're finding our new normal.

2 comments:

  1. Bless you sweet friend, keep up the good work you are doing. Sending you love and encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much! We'll take it! Everyday seems to get better!

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