"You know, I'm not excited. It's simply where we're suppose to be and what we're suppose to do. If anything, when I think about it, I'm scared to do this thing that I know will be difficult at best at many turns."
***Bang head on wall here!***
And this time around is full of the unexpected! Nothing like what we'd had in mind. Shame shame shame of me for having any expectations at all! I often confuse preparation for expectation, and I shouldn't. I'm sorry to you, reader, as I know that all this must seem like a puzzle with many pieces missing. Because of course there's no details to share. There is a list of things that cannot be talked about a mile long. But let's just say that this parenting and training up of a child that is not our own is very different. This thing is hard in very different ways. I've disappointed myself and I'm mad at my heart. One day after another I beg God to please let me surrender to the process, the process of faithfully following the plan. I know full well that there is peace in the surrender and yet for some reason I've been unable to do it. And tomorrow I will try again to just do as I'm told with a heart of grace and acceptance. Yes, the system is broken as we expected, but I'm broken as well, full of imperfection that I didn't even know I had.
We need time. I need time. At the advice of a wise BTDT foster mama, I'm reminding myself that this is all still very new to us, and just like having a baby, we're finding our new normal.