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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Guest Post {Sylvia}

About me:
I am a mom of two, the youngest was adopted from China in 2012 and has albinism.  I blog a little over at Elora at Last.  I am a budding Mamarazzi, and I am passionate about adoption.
See that intro about me above? (Which should have been the easiest part of this guest blog post to write.)  It was not easy at all.  Unfortunately I am in the middle of an identity crisis so it was pretty difficult to sum myself up.  I am standing at a precipice in my life.
A long while back a wise woman once wrote: Eventually out of every mother a woman emerges.
At the time I read this my long wait for our daughter’s home coming had just ended and I was in the thick of living out my dream and becoming the mother of a grieving newly adopted baby girl.  In that moment I remember reading those words and being equally excited and scared.  The thought that there was a light at the end of the tunnel sounded like a fairy tale, some where I longed to be.  I could be my old spontaneous, spunky, sassy, sexy self one day.  She would emerge from the jogging pants with the mysterious stain and spilt milk and the potty training that was more like the pee on the couch every day routine, and I would be that woman again.  It was an Ah Ha moment for me at the time, the day would come when Mom would stop being my entire definition.  
All in all I have been waiting to be a mom or in the active full time job of mothering for 5 years.  A short amount of time in comparison to most of you maybe but it was a large chunk of my adult years.  Not to mention motherhood, especially becoming an adoptive mother, was above and beyond the most transformative thing that ever happened to me.  I think that part of the adoption journey was the biggest surprise, how much I was going to be forever changed.  With my daughter home I witnessed thousands of ordinary miracles, sometimes several in one single day.  Miracles such as when my child spoke for the first time, when she went outside without fear for the first time, when she kissed me for the first time and when we discovered we were soul mates.  The adoption community has shown me day after day how magical love is. My life is now full of friends who were told their child would never walk/talk/trust/fill-in-the-blank, and I have seen the videos the proud parents posted proving every one wrong.  Children exceeding expectations fill my news feed every day.  I believe in the power of hope and transformation, and it has changed my entire outlook on life.  These are the gifts that my motherhood journey has given me.
But alas, the time has come.  The two children I always dreamed of are here home, healthy, happy and increasingly independent.  In less than 16 months they will both be in school full time.  A career opportunity arose that would be foolish to refuse and all signs point to me taking that step back into the world that does not include naps, play dates or finger paint.  I should be a woman emerging right now, but all I really want is a warm toddler to snuggle.  I think of the freedoms that we can afford now, the new roof that the house needs, the travel bug that has been denied for a decade.  They are exciting thoughts yet some days I think I want to never stop filling my house with babies so that I never have to look inward to my own potential.  I want to just keep pouring myself into their potential, there is nothing more rewarding, and it makes me so happy.  Does this mean we are not done, that more babies are still needed to complete our family?  More likely I think I am scared.  I am at the end of the tunnel, but I am not who I was when I entered it.  I don’t know how to be that woman again; her values are not mine any more.  Although I am not who I started as, I am not “just a mom” either. In theory I want a balance that is separate and inclusive of motherhood, but in practice nothing seems to fit me. 
I think I am just going to stay at the edge of the tunnel for a while longer before I step out into the light. I will take in the view, let my eyes adjust and see what I can be.

1 comment:

  1. Afternoon Sylvia - good to (e) meet you!

    Life is a series of these kind of changes - and how we cope with them is who we become! If you are anything like me change is difficult - I don't like it much - and sometimes I fight it kicking and screaming to match any of the might tempests tossed by our adopted 3 (or the bio 3 for that matter!)

    But the alternative is "death" - if not literally than at least metaphorically, and sometimes I think the "spiritual death" is worse than the physical...I have known many that were that way - at least for a while!

    But you see it - and it's exciting too - don't believe me? Ask you family!! ;)

    hugs - aus and co.


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