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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Rite of passage gone wrong (or how I came to love the Walmart lady)

So she was all like running around happy and excited!  We had finally gotten to the Walmart for her pwettyeawings.  She was so excited.  Really she was.  {And when you get to the end of this story, please reconsider these first sentences.}
And I was all like, I am so doing the right thing cause she's so excited and happy... right?  My other two girls had their ears pierced at 6 and 9 months of age.  And I'll have you know it went swimmingly.
And Tess kept admiring at all the pwettyeawings.  And we even pierced her beloved Helen's ears that morning at home, (a stuffed dog she sleeps with) and she was so like pwease mama, pierce Tessy's eaws, pwease!
And I'm pretty sure all the folks in Walmart were thinking, (because it's all about the external validation.  No?) that they were gonna nominate me for mother of the year.  Yea right.
So Mrs-I-have-more-experience-piercing-ears-than-anyone-on-the-planet-because-I-live-in-a-small-town-and-work-at-the-jewelry-counter-at-Walmart takes one look at our little Miss enthusiasm and prepares herself mentally for what is about to unfold.  Obviously Mrs-Walmart-jewelry-counter-lady is way smarter than the crazy mama.  It's all that excessive exposure to Progesterone that have killed my brain cells.
See how it's all happy happy joy joy?  Roses and sunshine?  That's all about to change.
As Tess's first ear was pierced, Tess, blandly commented, ouch.
That's it.  Just a quiet matter of fact ouch.
I foolishly let myself envision this going off without a hitch.  Maybe the high pain threshold, side effect of post institutionalization orphans has a benefit after all?

***this is the point in the story where we switch to black & white for dramatic effect.  Think Wizard of Oz***

Notice the furrowed brow.  Notice the stink eye.
Tess realized Mrs. Walmart was loading the gun again.
Quick.
Candy.
Candy solves everything... right?
I remember a time in my parenting journey when I was so above candy.  Or bribery.  Much less using both simultaneously.  I've been plummeting ever since.

***at this point you'll have to use your imagination to visualize the carnage.  Photography became a bottom priority.***

The crying started.  Then the screaming.  Then my sweet and quiet love child Rosemary's Baby glared at Mrs-sweet-as-pie-Walmart-jewelry-counter-lady.  Tess screeched Go AWAY! at the top of her lungs.
Repetitively.
Walmart patrons from as far as the automotive department came to witness the mother that was maltreating her child.

Tess, realizing she would need to take matters into her own hands to prevent what was about to come, (or rather feet seeing as how yours truly was holding her hands preventing her from scratching out Mrs-jewelry-counter-Walmart's eyes out) planted her foot against Mrs.-I-saw-this-coming-all-along-genius-Walmart-jewelry-counter-lady, and kicked her firmly in the shoulder.
Oh yes she did.
Tess kicked her.
Hard.
And Mrs.-I-really-deserve-to-get-paid-far-more-money-for-this-job fell back onto the floor.
Taking a sunglasses display with her.**

The crowd was considerable at this point.

It was just the distraction we needed.
In a group effort, the 4 of us, Papa, Livy, Mrs. Walmart, and me, were ultimately able to wrestle this mighty 25 pound wonder.
We finally got the second ear pierced.

Patrons were snickering.  Pointing.  My Mother of the Year award was in undoubtedly in question.
Hoping distraction would be the answer, Papa whisked Tess away, who was still simultaneously shrieking and sucking on the lollipop, to the toy department.
I was left wondering if Walmart condones tipping.

About 10 minutes later, and since then, Tess adores her pwettyeawings.

And now that I'm at the end of this story, I'll leave you with this final image---
"So she was all like running around happy and excited!  We had finally gotten to the Walmart for her pwettyeawings.  She was so excited.  Really she was."
**Some artistic license may have been used in the telling of this story.  OK, so she didn't actually knock down the sunglasses display.  Maybe she just bumped it.  But still.


16 comments:

  1. My 6-year-old has been asking to get her ears pierced. Um, yeah. I think we'll wait for 20 years or so. :)

    Love the pics!

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  2. Knocked the sunglass display over? That is awesome. Well, not really. What a moment. That trumps my kid getting her arm stuck in a coke machine for sure!!!

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  3. I was laughing so so so hard when I read this. All to say, that I completely empathize with miss Tess. My ears were first pierced when I was really little and I don't remember much. I convinced my mom to let me get my second hole pierced when I was 10. It. Was. TRAUMATIC. I have an indescribable fear of needles (to the point of when I have to go to the doctor I have to take medication!) and I feel it is all a repercussion of the beauty decision I made so many years ago. :/ Tess looks stunningly beautiful though and seemed to bounce back just fine!!

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  4. Classic!! Tess will adore this story and pictures someday! I've been thinking about doing Jenny's ears because she is nuts about earrings and says she "wants pretty". Now I'm thinking I'll wait. :)

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  5. Wow what a story! Poor Mrs. Walmart lady hehe, then again, i guess thats what you get for working at walmart? I didn't even know the peirced ears! lol Glad tess was okay after all the earpericing facade. She looks very beautiful with her earrings 9:

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  6. My favorite part is that Papa took candy too

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  7. Fun story! They should do the ears at the same time..two earring guns...one two three ..DONE!

    She looks very cute!

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  8. Okay, you had me at "pwettyeawings" and I just laughed and cried myself silly through this! Thanks!
    I'm all for the two ears at time trick!

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  9. They totally pierce two at a time in the little jewlery stores in the mall, I was impressed when I saw it, but I am guessing they had a case similar to this and decided it was best for employee morale!! You gotta get them when they are infants so they can't fight back :) and they look adorable!

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  10. although i am so sorry that you had to deal with that... :)
    I absolutely LOVE this story!
    Just think how much harder you will laugh years from now when she reads this!!!

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  11. Tess does look beautiful! What a story!!!

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  12. I went a whole weekend with 1 ear pierced when I was 5 - mom tried to do it herself....vivid memories of her knee in my chest while my back it to the bathroom floor and the needle is in her hand while she's pulling my ear... yea, they're uneven.

    I just keep telling my daughter how much it hurts and it probably will hurt less when she's a little older - of course one of my friends ratted me out and told my daughter the truth - that I was mean and it doesn't really hurt.....

    I really didn't like to see Tess crying like that, but I'm happy that she got over it all so quickly, relatively speaking! Yea, I think I'll wait as long as I can to get my little one's done.....

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  13. just found your blog and love this story. We adopted 5 months ago and got her ears pierced at Walmart too but she is 2 and didn't fight as hard. I also insist that they do both ears at the same time so this doesn't happen! :) glad it got done and she is beautiful.

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  14. I have to say I was cracking up reading this. I kinda feel guilty. Poor Tess! Poor Walmart lady on the floor! I had mine done when I was 5. My mom had to walk me around the mall, give me a lollipop, and take me for a soda before I would let them get near my second ear. I won't talk about how they closed up because I had surgery and then had to get it done all over again. Marissa has had hers done 2x now because she let them close up. I'm done with pierced ears! Marissa had to have surgery on her ear when she was away at school over the winter because she tried to put her earring in, pierced her ear in a whole new spot, and then broke the post off in her earlobe. Yeah, I'm done!

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  15. Just headed over here after I voted for your picture on The Paper Mama. :) Oh my goodness this story cracked me up. Love it.

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