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Monday, January 24, 2011

Trying to give it up

The pictures don't go with this post at all!  But I don't think I post something without photos.  So use your imagination, or consider it blogger-symbolism.
You see, I have this thing I feel guilty about.  I've hung onto it for years... like my scarlet letter.  Despite what I do, I've just been unable to give it up.

And I had this little reminder of my guilt just now.   And my tears flowed, and again my wound was raw and exposed and my tears flowed.  And you see, I know it's my albatross, and I know that I need to let it go and give it to God, but even with prayer, I haven't been able to do that.  I just haven't.  So I try to bury it but often it surfaces... raw and painful.
And I cried.
And I prayed, 'cause in times like that when you're so alone and so raw, He's there, and I really needed someone to hold me right then.
So I prayed again about this albatross.
Please take this one, God.  
Let me give it up to You.  
Please take it.  
Please take it.  
Please take it.


And Tess, who wasn't even looking at me, walked over to me and said,
Mama ok.  
Not with a question mark, but with a period.  Like You're ok, Mama.
Then she looked at my tears and said 4 words all together that is SO unlike her delayed speech to do, Tess kiss Mama eyes.  And she leaned in and kissed my teary eyes.

And Jude, who's not far from her side these days, came over and said, I love you, Mama.
And he kissed my cheek and bounced back off to play.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for the ordinary miracles that you provide me in the small quiet moments.
Still trying to give it up to Him,
Nancy

7 comments:

  1. Nancy what an honest post, I hope you recieve that Word from Tess as a Word from your Heavenly Father. Times like this I wish the 'bloggy world' could have us all reach out to support eachother.

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  2. Oh Nancy, so sorry you are hurting. How beautiful that God used your precious children to comfort you. 4 words and kisses, definitely something to enjoy and share. Plus, great pictures!

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  3. Cedar- My hurt is just guilt. It's not really pain. That's not coming out right. But it's ok to hurt on the path, as I am SURE God is teaching me something, leading me somewhere in it all, and that makes the hurt good. As Roberta said, I know those 2 words from Tess, Mama ok, were God speaking to me, through her. And there was great healing and surrender of my guilt in that moment.
    thank you so for your kind words, Cedar!
    nancy

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  4. I am glad you felt God's healing touch. I am constantly amazed at how much He loves us and how personal He is with each of us.

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  5. Well I have tears reading your post...maybe because I can relate. Maybe Tess can come over and kiss my eyes? I think this was a beautiful moment with Tess and Jude.

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  6. that was so, so beautiful.
    so thankful for God's loving embrace. and for those times when all we can really do is cry out to Him and feel His grace. God totally uses kiddos, I think, and they are so aware when others are sad.

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