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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Monday

It was one of those days that I was pretty sure I messed my kids up for good.  I won't go into specifics, but there were some big mess up's that led me to the only conclusion I could come up with at the time...
that I'm miserable at my job as a mother and completely ineffective in teaching my children anything of consequence.

I know for certain that I'm exaggerating, that there are bigger problems, and in hind sight, all of this will be only a blip of nothingness.  But being a mama 24/7 for almost 17 years now is sometimes draining.  OK, it is really rewarding and the best job in the world, when it goes well and your hard work pays off.  But there are times when you do the very best you can, and with every good intention, and it just isn't enough.  Then being a mama is hard and unrewarding.  Why am I still like that?  42 years on the planet and I'm still in it for the reward.  Someone pass me a bag of M&Ms, (plain please. We don't need to go messing up a perfectly good snack food with nutritions peanuts) and tell me I'm doing a good job.

That miserable day has now turned into two, because honestly somethings just don't "go away" if we ignore them and as a family, were just not sure where to go next. I'm praying and trying to crawl out of the hole that I have dug, my hole of despair.  'Cause we're healthy, and we're together, and we really do love each other so much it hurts.   No pity party for me, please.  Maybe just a note that I'm not the only mama that has days like this.

I'm gonna regret putting all this in print.  Maybe one of my kiddos will look back at this 30 years from now and it will help them, somehow.

I'm climbing out now.

10 comments:

  1. Phew! I thought I was the only one ; )

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  2. I definitely have days like that (and weeks)--though I DO like peanuts in my M&M's, my favorite candy of all time!

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  3. I am so thankful for God's grace on those days when I blow it ( and there are many !). So thankful also that my kids don't remember everything and are forgiving as well. As for the m&m's - bought myself a huge bag today of plain ones too !!!

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  4. Kathy- I guess that's the hard part... my kiddos ARE old enough to remember. But they are so so very forgiving too. When I picked up my Patch from school today, he said, Mama, I think you just need some extra lovin'. Oh my. I am blessed.

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  5. I recommend the new ( or at least new to me) M&M's with pretzels! Only the combo of salt and sugar can ease the pain of those kind of days....

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  6. i'm totally with you on this, except i feel guilty because 1) i've only been at the job for 17 months and 2) i've had many days where i feel like i'm *not* trying as hard as i should. i feel like i've become lazy with a lot of things this year. and that is not such a great quality.

    you are one of my mama-heros, on good days and not-so-good. hope you feel better soon!

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  7. I'm with ya sister! I'm with ya!!! EXCEPT when it come to your preference in m&m's...I'm having a love affair with the peanut butter ones! Ate almost an entire bag just yesterday in fact! They were supposed to be for our missional community tomorrow night. But secretly...I knew they wouldn't last in this house that long! No self-control! None!!!

    On another note...I've been walking in the evenings with my cell phone tucked away in my bra! I had never thought of using it for storage before I started reading your blog!!! ;) Thanks! I'm much safer now because of you!

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  8. Hang in there... it WILL get better :) And then worse, and then better again...
    But it's a ride like none other, dontchathink??
    Thinking of you, and hope that today the skies part and the sun SHINES!
    :)

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  9. Hmmmm.....................

    I'm going to go out on a limb and say, NOPE - you're not the only one:)

    And how will we remember the joys of climbing out if we don't record and remember the days we were muddy?

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  10. I found that medication helps :)

    You're so not the only one! and you will be glad you put it in print when you are out of the pit before you even realize it and then you look back and remember - aha! no more of that for me! No sir!

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