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Monday, August 9, 2010

I'm melting! (read-a complaining mess of a post) with UPDATE

There is strength in the journey.
Recently I feel that the journey has overcome me and played on my fears...  taunting me.
Part of it is the harsh transition between summer at the cabin, then 3 hours later instantly being thrust into the city life.
My schedule 2 weeks ago---  bliss, 73 degrees the afternoon we loaded the SUV to the brim and headed west on US260 back toward the city.
Bingo at the rec center?
A hoedown?
A fly fishing lesson?
Yep, that was my idealistic life 2 weeks ago!
I should have penciled in play cribbage with my honey, push the babes on the swing, and read a good book too.  'Cause I really did those things.

My schedule this week---  color-coded reality and 113 degrees.
Not sure immunizations for Patch and Livy are going to happen during my sister's wedding!
And yes, you are reading that correctly, Papa IS going to high school with Liv on her first day, a tradition for incoming freshman at her school.  I will be unavailable as I will be going to the first day of preschool (with a very large tissue box) with Tess and Jujube.
Haircuts for the whole family Wednesday night.  My 2" of grey roots are getting quite embarrassing.  A gal can only wear a baseball cap so many days in a row.
I should have penciled in go have a cup of coffee with a girlfriend and take a moment to bathe, but really, it doesn't look like there's time for things like that.

The transition back to the harsh city life is so tough this year.  I'm trying to remember to count my blessings, that I'm so so very lucky to have those 2+ months of bliss in the mountains.  It really isn't lost on me that I'm LUCKY to have the opportunity to get away each summer.  And this in turn makes me feel so guilty that each year I return and resent our city life a bit.  A BIG bit right now.

Ok, I'm sorry this has come off as a big winy complaining mess of a post.  School starts for all 6 kiddos today.  Yes, AZ schools start early.  I think I've been melting (it literally was 113 degrees yesterday!) under the pressure of 5 birthdays, school starting, an anniversary, forever family day, my sister's wedding, and needing to get it all done so quickly.  Top it all off with apprehension about the unknown of Tess and Jujube starting preschool.

Name that movie--
"You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! 
Oh, what a world! What a world!"

UPDATE - The babes' classroom has 9 students, 1 teacher, and 2 full time aids.  But the first day of preschool was awful.  I could tell he was nervous, but Jude was ok.  After a while, Tess realized I was going to leave.  She screamed bloody murder.  I literally had to peel her off me.  It took 3 people.  She just kept screaming mama, mama, mama.  There was slobber everywhere.  The aids kept telling me, it's ok, she's going to be fine and forget 5 minutes after you leave.  I tried to explain through all the screaming and holding back my own tears at that point, that it's been 2 solid years of attachment therapy, and this was far from the normal kiddo separating from mom.  They even suggested I could stay if I wanted.  I needed to leave to get Liv to school.  Preschool is the only way for her and Jude to continue their therapy services.  6 kiddos and I've honestly never shed a tear when any of them first left for school.  On one hand, for a little girl that could care less about me for the first 12 months and just called me mama for the first time 2 months ago, I am crying because she really does love me, and wants me.  That's huge for her!  And I haven't been so sure of this all the time.  But on the other hand, I'm just not sure I'm doing the right thing.  I keep thinking of her being left in that SaiGon hospital when she was too little to know her birth mama was leaving.  Now she knows.  And I left her again.
I came home and did something I haven't done in the two years since they came home... got on the elliptical for a little while to sweat.  It's long over due.
I just don't know if I did the right thing.   Someone, please tell me I'm not hurting her little heart again.  She'll be home via school bus in 1 hour and 32 minutes.  Not that I'm counting or anything.


  1. I'd love to know which calendar program you are using!
    Firstbrook Five

  2. Karen- It's Microsoft Office Outlook. It's just what Papa loaded of my computer one day. But I do love "writing" it on my computer, then "inviting" him and/or Sunny, and/or Liv, and/or Granna, (whoever else is invite that also had Outlook) and it automatically sends them an email. When they "accept" the event via email, it automatically puts the event on their calendar too.

  3. You're doing the right things...the elliptical AND leaving Tess for a few hours. You left her, but she's coming home to you and you will be there every single day, so her brain and heart will know the difference. All the work you've done with Tess for nearly 2 years now will get her through the few hours a day of separation, and she will grow in the few ways that you can't provide at home. It's a bonus that Jude is with her, right? Tomorrow may be even worse than today, but in few days or, worst case, few weeks, she'll be waving bye-bye mama! Hang in there. You're in my thoughts.


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