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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Day #38 & A Case Study for Kübler-Ross

I'm feeling defeated. I'm not sleeping well and seem to be in a fog most of the time. I still find it amazing, especially when I look at past posts, how my emotions cycle from one to the other. I remember studying Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and the stages of grief. It was so interesting then, but now I seem to be a case study for it! Denial, anger, grief, bargaining, immobilization, but I can't seem to make my way to acceptance... ever. Not when the babies lay there day after day.

Every new week holds promise, and Mondays hold the possibility for 5 new days of developments. Not sure I'll get much sleep at all on Tuesday night. By Thursdays the week is mostly over and the depression crawls back to the surface. Sometimes the weekends are just a way to bide time till the new week comes. I hate that it has come to this. I know all you adoption mommies are familiar with the cycle. Don't get me wrong. Most of the time I try and forget what's going on and focus on my kiddos and sweet Papa who endures me and the roller coaster with such strength and faith. This week brought picnics and fireworks. We ate homemade ice cream and lots of fried chicken. Family and lots of cousins came too just the way it should be! Thank you so much Auntie S for demanding to see the ALL the videos of the babies and gushing over them just like they were here already. Thank you Auntie K for letting me cry. Thank you monkey #2 for enduring my silence when my heart is so tender.

After all the "going-ons" of last week, I was left hopeful. But Monday hit me like a ton of bricks. There have been 3 more approvals since then, but there are still none for our agency or any of the special need's kiddos, and that seems odd and scares the pants off me. In spite of the trickle of approvals, there are several indications that things do NOT look good. The head hancho at the USCIS in HCMC is making things very clear to a couple different sources. (I have a very detailed legal brief that explains things better than I could, but it's just to complicated to go into.) Several families have decided to hire an attorney and take action. For now, Papa and I have decided to wait until we get a block letter, or our case is at least at 60 days, (the original frame USCIS quoted it would take to process i600s) before we lay down even more thousands of dollars as a retainer for the attorney.

I MISS THEM! AND I HAVEN'T EVEN MET THEM! I miss them. They are growing up with out me.

In the excitement of last week, I applied for our visas. They arrived, and now we can hop on a plane at any moment as soon as that pesky i600 approval email comes. Again it seems in vain as there is NO sign that we're going anywhere. Our visas are good for 90 days until early Oct. I can't even bring myself to look at them and have left them in the FedEx envelope.

I sent our international adoption doctor updated weights and measurements of the babies. She asked me for more information regarding their "development." Isn't that the million dollar question? Ya, doc, I'd just love to know that myself! How profound will the developmental delays be after the babies have been in an institutionalization for more than a year?

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